Writer’s block is the pits! I’ve had a difficult time listening to the messages of my heart. Perhaps it’s due to changes that have taken place in my life over the past few months. I started a new job which has taken a lot of my time as I’ve had the privilege to “reimagine” the position I accepted to make positive change in the institution. We have a marriage coming up, two graduations, and a semi-permanent move to a big city all taking place at the same time. Another distraction is the physiological changes I’ve been growing through as I enter a new chapter in the stages of life: good changes but hard to accept.
I’ve looked back on previous excerpts to remember my messages and how important they are for me to pass on to the reader. I’ve learned that as we become more conscious of what is around us, we take on more responsibility. I’ve become more sensitive to situations and occurrences. Others perceive me as “too conscious.” For example, I find it quite unbearable to witness violence against nature. I’ve seen people treat small creatures as pests, taking pure pleasure in squashing, poisoning, and using other means to kill them while boasting about their victories.
I can feel the instability and “wobble” of the Earth more than ever. And though I have not watched the news and have strayed almost entirely away from the antics and brainwashing of social media, I’ve seen snippets. I’ve heard about humans’ violence and disregard towards each other on a social, emotional, and political level. I curl inward, wanting to find more space and peaceful moments on the porch, alone, in stillness.
These moments of stillness are often interrupted, though. I feel an underlying anxiousness that I cannot pinpoint. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been able to do what comes naturally to me. That is to write. Maybe I’m putting too much emphasis on completing another degree which I keep avoiding. So, what, now?
What does one do during these sorts of moments? I turn to my advice and that of my teachers. If nothing else, I hear the underlying message to be present and to be aware of “now.” It can be such a problematic practice at times. I hear ego screaming to “do something” when I know I need to “be” and do absolutely nothing. How do we differentiate the voice of ego from the true self?
Usually, the ego will feel boastful, mean, cocky, annoying, and repetitive. Depending on persona, ego can sometimes sound victimized-”poor me,” or needy to the point of fault. The ego is the watcher and the one that is always trying to protect itself. I’ve taken more time to recognize and be aware of this lately. Where I thought it was pretty easy to differentiate between the two, I suddenly found it contrary.
One thing I do know as a writer is that during times like this, the only thing one can do to break out of the block is to start writing. So, here it is. Ego tells me that this excerpt is a piece of crap. My true self tells me it’s time to open my heart again and share my message with you and all those who need it. As always, I aim to reach at least one soul on their journey. If I can do that, then my open heart is content.